4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
