News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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