i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
