All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize