I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
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I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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