please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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