Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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