I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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