well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
