Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
