I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
