i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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