Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
