I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
