How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
