I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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