i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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