Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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