Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Shame - the story of my life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
