I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
