I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
