she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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