I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
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I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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