i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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