We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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