Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize