there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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