theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize