it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
