You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
