it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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