Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
