I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
