yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
