Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
