ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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