I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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