My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
