dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
