You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Found your dick twin last night
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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