Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
the raccoons are back...
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