The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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