I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
