Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
