I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
