Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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