absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
