My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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