just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I will pee on everything he values.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
