You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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