i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
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You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
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Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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