I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
