If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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