Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
