Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
