Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
