mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
