just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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