Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
being pregnant is like rehab
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
