I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
