Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
