thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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